Letting God take Control

Well, I couldn't find the exact scripture that I wanted to use today, but I still want to share with you my struggle in letting God take control of my life.

By nature, people need to be in control. Even if you're a lifelong Christian, there are things in your life that you just have to handle. For example, the rent's due and the electric bill needs to be paid. Now, the bible tells us that God will provide for all of our needs. But it doesn't say that he'll make your bills go way. There is some expectation that God will provide, but you also have to be making some kind of effort for him to work with. So, you go out looking for a job, and God puts on there for you. Through that job, you pay your rent and electric bill.

It's when I take my responsibility to be putting forth effort too far that I begin to wrestle God for control of my life. My relationship with Bob is a good example. I want a relationship--a committed, loving, forever relationship--so badly that although I trust God has the right person in mind for me, I jumped the gun and took matters into my own hands when I entered into a physical relationship with Bob. The damage I did because I didn't allow God to control that situation may now be un-repairable.

And still I wrestle with God, trying to control my own life daily. A specific conversation today made that point very clear to me. I've been mourning this relationship. I ended it (for spiritual reasons) but I want desperately to have it back. But God may not have that in his plans.

Now, I've known this all along. And I call myself trying to leave it up to God, but how up to God is it when I keep trying to initiate contact? Or when I devote a large amount of time to thinking about the what-ifs and could-have-beens? The worst is when my self-righteous anger rears it's ugly head and I throw a pity party thinking If Bob would only sit down and have a conversation with me about this, I know that we can fix things. Maybe we could, but that's not part of God's plan right now.

Ecclesiastes 3: 1-3 reads:

To everything there is a season,

A time for every purpose under heaven:
A time to be born,
And a time to die;
A time to plant,
And a time to pluck what is planted;
A time to kill,
And a time to heal;
A time to break down,
And a time to build up

This may not be the season for Bob and I to talk about this relationship. It may never be that season. And it's certainly not the season for he and I to be together. So why do I wrestle with God to be in control of this season in my life?

It's because I'm human. And it's my instinct to be in control. But I have to put this down. I have to really let God have it. And let him be in control. And trust that whatever he has planned for me this season, and next, and all of the seasons to follow are perfect in his will. And if I can do that, God will take me places I never dreamed possible.

How hard is it for you to hand control over to God? What are some of the things that you do when you realize you're wrestling God for control of your life, when you would be much better off if he were in control? And what are some of the ways that you've allowed God to be in control and seen the rewards of that faith?

Share with me. I'd love to hear your story.

Sorry for the erratic posting

I'm trying hard to faithfully post at least a couple times a week and three would be the most ideal for me. But right now, I have to apologize. This week, you're going to be lucky to get a single post. I don't meant to be erratic about the posting, but I'm in the final chapters of a book (for which the deadline is past by two days already), I'm in training for a new writing job, and I'm working a temp job right now, trying to make ends meet. I have a crazy, hectic schedule that's got me running on very little sleep and which is really interfering with my best laid plans.

Please bear with me and don't give up on new posts. I do have several things in mind that I'd like to share with you. I just have to have the time to do it. By next week, I should be back on my regular posting schedule. And I will try to get at least one entry up later this week.

I pray God is with each and every one of you. If you have specific situations about which you need prayer, you can always post a comment here, of if you prefer to keep it private, feel free to email me jaeandrews at gmail dot com. (Replace at with an ampersand, replace the dot with an actual period, and remove the extra spaces--sorry...I'm trying to avoid spam). I'll pray over every request that I receive.

Waiting for God

"They say, 'Let God hurry; let Him do His work soon so we may see it. Let the plan of the Holy One of Israel happen soon so that we will know what it is.'" -- Isaiah 5:19

I'm impatient. I never thoughts I was until I came to know God. Now I see the truth. I ask God for something, and I want his response right now. It's something that a lot of people struggle with.

Lately, my biggest struggle has been for God to answer me about relationships. I pray daily that God will open a path for Bob and I to reconcile and work out our differences, but if that's not God's will, then I pray that he'll bring someone else into my life. It's been a month, neither has happened. And I find myself very impatient. I *want* a relationship. I really *want* my relationship with Bob to be repaired, because I think that with the right counseling we can be an amazingly strong Christian couple.

But what does God want for me? Right now, I don't know.

This morning's verse came to me in an email devotional., The writer explained her own struggle with this very topic. And I can surely relate. I want to see God's blessing right this instant so that I know that he's there and he's working for me. How selfish can you get?

It takes only a small look around to see God working. On a prayer list, I have seen healings, and blessings, and forgiveness -- all of which are miracles that wouldn't be possible without God. In my own life, I've had healing for a slight injury that was causing me a lot of pain. I'm blessed daily with yet another day to live, to spread God's word, and to show others how wonderful a life in Christ can be. And still my selfish nature demands that I have an answer from God, right now!

So today, and for the days going forward, I'm going to remember that I'm not the only person in God's care. And instead of caring so much about me, I'm going to lay my life at his feet and I'm going to see how I can help him do HIS work. God will take care of me. And he'll use me to take care of someone else. But I have to be willing to let it happen. I am.

“For in the gospel a righteousness from God is revealed, a righteousness that is by faith from first to last, just as it is written: "The righteous will live by faith" -- Romans 1:17

Living by faith is probably the most difficult part of my relationship with Jesus Christ. Like a spoiled child, I all too often think, "But Jesus, I don't want to do things that way. It's much easier my way." Is it really easier, though?

On the surface, it seems to be. If I had just continued in my relationship with Bob; if I had not broken things off with him, we would still be together. And we might even be working things out. But you know what, something has always told me it would be very hard in the long run.

Now, I'm going to step out on a bit of a limb here and tell you that God told me, early on in the relationship that if Bob and I had sex, the relationship would end badly. It did. That was the first time we broke up.

Then, we got back together. And I asked God to show me what the right thing was. But I pushed it because I wanted Bob back in my life so desperately. It started out okay, but one thing led to another and eventually, the sexual aspect of the relationship returned. But God didn't speak to me that time. Not until I asked him for his guidance.

Before I split with Bob this last time, I prayed ceaselessly for weeks. And at every turn the answer that I got from God was you have to end the relationship. I didn't want to. Because I knew that it would be a permanent end. I just wanted things to be right.

So, I held on. And I tried to make things right. And I prayed. And the same words repeated in my head daily for weeks, until despite the advice of some pretty solid people who were sure we would work through the sexual issues and other issues with counseling, I ended the relationship.

Ever ripped your own heart out and stomped it to mush? That's what ending that relationship felt like. And I questioned God, "Why is this necessary?" And the only response I got was, "Trust me." So I'm trying desperately to trust him.

And now, nearly a month after the breakup, I'm trying to live the life that God wants from me. I'm not enjoying every aspect of it, but daily I grow closer to my God. And I don't know now if he will bring Bob back into my life. Circumstances don't point one way or the other. But I do know that whatever God has in store for me is exactly what I need. And the only way that I'll ever have that is to live by His word and strive to be righteous by his standards.

Am I going to screw up? You betcha! I'm a mere human. But I'm going to keep trying and keep trying. And I'm going to remain focused on God and let Him be the director of my life, because that's what He tells me to do. Live by faith. I want to be faithful.

Holding on to the hope

“Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.” --Hebrews 10:23

It's been a few days since I posted last, not because I don't have anything to say, but because I'm completely buried under deadlines. I've got both a major deadline (for a book) and a minor deadline (for a report) on the same day next week. It's enough to make you dig in your heels and get to work!

I'm working on other things right now, but this struggle is still right there at the front of my mind all the time. I've already experienced some of the fire that I know that I must walk through to become the person God wants me to be for whomever he decides is the right mate for me.

I started talking to two different people this week. Both seemed like really nice guys. One is very educated and has a pretty important job. The other is less educated, but with a cool job. Both seemed like fun--in very different ways--people to be around. Until I mentioned that I'm a very devoted Christian. And then both guys fell right off the face of the earth. Hmmm. Wonder what they were after?

At first, I was disheartened by the whole situation. But then Hebrews 10:23 was delivered to me through an acquaintance. Isn't it cool how God gets his message to you when you need it the most? I love this verse because it talks about HOPE. And it reminds us that God keeps his promises.

When I read this verse, it renews my hope that someday I'll have that perfect person in my life. And when I have hope for the future, then I can muster the courage to go through everyday alone. And since I know that God keeps his promises, I know that this struggle is not to be without reward. He promised me eternal life. He didn't promise life on this earth would be easy.

Maybe it will turn out that I do spend the rest of my life alone. I won't ever be completely comfortable with this earthly life is this is how God plans to play it out. But I can be truly happy, even alone. Because God promises that I'll have eternal life. How can you ever stay depressed for too long knowing that?

So today, I sing God's praises. He's a loving and faithful God, and while I don't have everything I want, I do have everything I need and I know that one day I'll sit at his feet and hear the soothing timbre of his voice. And that's enough.

Catching Up

It's been a week since I posted anything. I'm sorry if I left you hanging. A dear friend of mine passed away on Friday and I've been helping the family as much as I can. As of today, it seems that life is returning to as normal as is possible under the circumstances. So, I'm trying to get back into my own swing of things.

A reader ("K") suggested that I read the story of Potiphar's Wife in Gensis 39. Oddly enough, I was studying that same passage of scripture this week, as a separate suggestion from a study that Rachel Olsen is conducting of the women of the bible. What a story!

It absolutely illustrates what happens when you make the decision to live in a way that makes God happy. Here's the quick version:

The story is of Joseph, who, as a slave, has impressed his Egyptian master. So the Egyptian master, Potiphar, gives Joseph control over his household and everything in it except his wife.

But Potiphar's wife wants Joseph, so she tries to seduce him. Joseph refuses saying,

"With me in charge," he told her, "my master does not concern himself with anything in the house; everything he owns he has entrusted to my care. No one is greater in this house than I am. My master has withheld nothing from me except you, because you are his wife. How then could I do such a wicked thing and sin against God?" And though she spoke to Joseph day after day, he refused to go to bed with her or even be with her. -- Genesis 39:8-10

But the very fact that Joseph would not go to bed with her was enough to make Potiphar's wife want Joseph even more. So she devised a plan to catch him alone and try again to seduce him. But when she did, Joseph refused, pulling away from her. When he did, she held to his cloak so that he had to shed it to get away. And that's when things went very wrong!

Potiphar's wife screamed "Rape," and accused Jacob of trying to rape her. Believing her, Potiphar had Jacob sent to prison.

How true is that story about the trials that we'll face as we're doing our best to live by the guidelines that God set for for us? The thing is, Satan hates it when he loses a sole to God. So, when it seems that you're choosing God, and you're making the efforts necessary to get close to God, Satan is going to pull out all of the stops, including seeing your persecuted for something that you have not done.

If you think it's easy doing God's will, think again. It's far easier to be complacent and allow Satan to rule in your life. When you choose to do God's will, you life will get hard. Probably harder than you've ever know.

I have a friend who decided after a time to be sexually pure. She had slept with men before, but God laid it on her heart that she should not sleep with another man until she was married, and she listened to him. But the two years following that decision were some of the hardest years she'd ever faced. Men that she went out with were flat out mean to her because she wasn't a "virgin" but she refused to go to bed with them.

That's what happens. When you choose to do God's will, you get attacked. The situation with my ex-husband was a blatant attack, I believe ordained by Satan. I won that time. And all I can do from this point forward is pray that God will give me the strength to win in each attack that I have to face in the future.

For me, it's doubly hard, because I need physical touch to feel loved. It's one of my love languages. I hate being alone. And I'm faced with spending the foreseeable future alone. And I won't have someone to snuggle with, even when I do find a new date. I'm committed to my decision to return to spiritual virginity. But I also know it's not going to be easy. I'm prepared. But only with God's help will I make it through this.

Just in case I didn't believe the commitment it would take!

No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it. -- 1 Corinthians 10:13

I've been trying to figure out all day long how I wanted to write about this topic. It's not easy, sometimes to put the truth on the page.

I knew when I split it off with Bob that the relationship would be over-over, as in he's absolutely refusing to even discuss the possibility of a future relationship, even if we end up on the same page spiritually. It stinks, but I knew that would be the case.

What I didn't realize is that God would allow me to be so completely tested so soon.

I posted the other day that I couldn't post because I had visitors. One of those visitors just happened to be my ex-husband. He and I are still friends, despite all that's happened. Now, one of the first people to comment on this blog suggested that I reconsider my position on this divorce and remarriage subject. Let me fill you in a bit on how things went with my ex-husband.

He was a jerk. Not physically abusive (in the strictest sense of the term), but definitely mentally abusive in a very subversive way. His insults were never the "you're a stupid idiot" type of insult. More the "you're so emotional about everything...what boiled meat again?" type insults. Indirect, but very hurtful.

He made it a point to separate me from everyone that I loved. He was not social, and was always put out if I showed any interest in even female friends. He'd get jealous of my family, and would even do whatever he needed to do to make sure I paid more attention to him than I did to my own children.

He was also very sexually aggressive. It often didn't matter if I wasn't interested in sex, he'd push until he got what he wanted, once or twice to the extent of forcing me to allow him to have his way.

So, he was staying here this week, as he brought my son to visit me. Now, before you scold me, I know he shouldn't have been here, but this trip has been arranged for months. And I don't get to see my son often, so I wasn't going to tell him not to come.

But I didn't expect that he would be so aggressive in his desires. I really didn't think that it would even be an issue. After years of divorce, and new love interests for both of us, I kinda thought we were through that. And to top it all off, I thought that ending a relationship as recently as I had would ensure the he was considerate. Boy, Satan can do some pretty strange things to our minds, can't he?

I was wrong. The ex DID try to be intimate and he was very adamant about it, to the point of waking me up several times at night in very inappropriate manners. And this after a strong discussion about my decision to rededicate my life and my body to God.

Now, the ex isn't a Christian. He tries to play one now and again (I think to win me over) but he's not. So, my decision to be true to God held little sway with him. I spend a good amount of time defending myself and my decisions while he was here.

But the whole idea that God would not allow us to be tested more than were are capable of handling stayed with me through the whole ordeal (and that's really what I feel it was). The old me would have eventually given in, just to get the ex to leave me alone. The new me didn't feel that was anything near necessary. God was with me, and I didn't have to buckle under to this jerk. God would ensure that I was taken care of...and I was.

Ultimately I came out of the whole situation a much stronger person. I feel that if I could deny the ex, and defend myself from him, then I can handle whatever I'm going to come up against when I start dating again. But if ever there was any doubt about the commitment it would take to be true to the decision I made, that doubt is now gone. Fortunately, I know that as long as I stand by my commitment, God will honor his promise to be there with me.

So, a rough few days has turned into a true blessing for me.

I'm still here...

Just wanted to pop in and say I haven't blogged in a few days because I've got a house FULL of visitors. I live in a tiny place anyway, so having a few extra people around makes it nearly impossible to concentrate on anything.

I'll be back tomorrow or Thursday, though. I'm not gone, just going nuts!

It's all about God's timing

I've been studying the women of the bible with Rachel Olsen this week. I like the way that she's set up the study. We do a different woman every other day and then spend the days in between talking about the woman we're studying. I've wondered about the women of the bible, but as many good books as their are on the subject, I haven't picked one up until recently. And now it's coming in handy as I study these women with Rachel and the others participating.


This week we've studied Eve, Sarah, and Rebekah. These are the first three women that you encounter in the bible, and unfortunately, they all seem to have a common trait -- impatience.

From what I can tell as I read through their stories, these women all had a heart for God. Eve was personally created by God but she was also asked for obedience and promised blessings; Sarah was asked for obedience and promised blessings, and Rebekah was also asked for obedience and promised blessings.

But none of them could wait for God's timing. Eve's circumstances are a bit different from Sarah and Rebekah's. But neither Sarah nor Rebekah could trust that God would fulfill his promises. How often do I jump the gun because I'm impatient to see the fruits of God's promises? Far, far too often.

Duteronomy 11:26-28 promises: See, I am setting before you today a blessing and a curse- the blessing if you obey the commands of the LORD your God that I am giving you today; the curse if you disobey the commands of the LORD your God and turn from the way that I command you today by following other gods, which you have not known.

If you obey the commands of the Lord you will receive blessings. The curse here is for following other Gods. Think about the gods in today's society: money, drugs, food, sex...all of these are gods that are worshiped by people.

Another piece of scripture: Hebrews 6:11-12 reads: We want each of you to show this same diligence to the very end, in order to make your hope sure. We do not want you to become lazy, but to imitate those who through faith and patience inherit what has been promised.

"...imitate those who through faith and patience inherit what has been promised." God tells us that if we will display patience, he will provide all that he has promised us. But like Sarah and Rebekah, women especially have a hard time waiting for God's timing.

In my personal life, that's waiting for the right relationship. But I have to learn from the mistakes that Sarah and Rebekah made and realize that my mistakes can have farther reaching consequences than just in my own life. For Sarah, the consequences were a bad relationship with her servant Hagar, and even eventual bitterness on her part. For Rebekah, the consequences were setting her two sons against each other.

What we forget as we try to take things into our own hands is that God's timing is perfect, even when it is not our own. In a society that says we should hurry up and do everything or have everything right this moment, practicing patience is even harder. But I have a feeling the rewards will be even greater than anyone could imagine.

Virginity at any age

"...An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord's affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world--how can she please her husband. I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord." -- 1Corinthians 7:34-35

I have been studying 1Corinthians, just trying to get a handle on what God expects from me as a single woman, and eventually as a married woman. I know that countless books have been written on the subjects, but I want to get a feel for what the bible tells me before I delve into any of those other books.

The verse above really stuck out for me today. This is written by Paul, so it's not words directly from Jesus or commands directly from God, but there is plenty of sense to be made from Paul's words.

Looking at just the first part, I see already why the relationship between Bob and I didn't work. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord's affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. Ah ha! Now I'm getting a clue.

As long as I was in a physical relationship, my focus was not on my God, even though my relationship was with a Christian man. My focus was on that relationship. Throughout the book of 1Corinthians, Paul teaches that God should be our main focus and that by focusing on God all else will fall into place.

Paul also teaches that it's better to remain single than to marry if you can control your sexual nature. If you cannot, then he says to marry and remain faithful to your spouse.

The rub is, for the relationship with your spouse to work, you must first focus on God. I never understood when people would tell me to put God first in my life, before my children and my spouse and my work. How could you put God first with so many different things in your life demanding your attention?

According to Paul, that's precisely why we should remain out of a relationship. So nothing else is pushing in on our time and devotion to God. But it doesn't always have to be that way. God created us to be partners. Adam was lonely until God created Eve. God never intended for us to live alone.

But before you can be completely involved in a relationship that will stand the tests of Satan, you must be completely focused on God. And developing those habits before you enter into a relationship is the only way to ensure that the habits will remain when that cute new guy steals your heart. The same heart that belongs to Jesus first.

Ultimately, it's about realizing that you can live without anyone, except God. As long as you have God, you have enough. A spouse is a nice bonus, but even when there is no spouse, you can be fulfilled and happy with God's presence in your life.

The peace of complete trust

Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not you heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid. John 14:27

I did it. After praying for weeks and wishing I wasn't hearing what God was saying, I did it. I asked Bob to move out and told him we can't get married. That happened on Friday. It's been a little nuts since then.

Friday night my best friend took me out. We went and played at a casino for a while and then spent the night there. Saturday I hung out at my parents house, a couple of hours away. But I came home Saturday night. By the time I got here, he was all moved out.

I'm very sad. I love him a lot. And my preference would have been to marry him. And I think that any of the issues that we had could have been worked through. Except the spiritual one. Not seeing eye to eye on the guidelines laid out in the Bible makes it difficult to come together on everything else.

So oddly enough, even though I'm very sad, I have a peace like I haven't known in a long time. I know that I'm going to be lonely. I already miss him terribly. And I know that it's going to be difficult to be a single mom, working from home. Making ends meet means spending a lot more time working than I had to while he was here. And that while still managing a tweenager with a life. But I am not anxious or worried over it.

If you knew me, you'd know that's a huge statement. I always worry. Over everything. I worried myself into a nervous breakdown last Spring. But this time, I'm at peace. I know that God is with me. I know that he'll provide for me. And I know that even if no one else in the world loves me, God does. That's such an amazing feeling for me. Isn't God the most wondrous God?

So now, the real journey beings. While in my heart I hope that God intends for Bob and I to be together, I don't really think that's going to happen. So, I'm going to have to start dating again. Except this time around, dating will be very different than anything I've ever done before. This time, dating is about DATING--and about finding the RIGHT person to spend the rest of my life with--and not about physical relationships.

I wonder how it's going to go? I wonder how guys will react when I tell them there is no physical relationship until after marriage? I wonder how difficult it will be to find a Christian guy that understands my need to put God first in my life...even before my daughter?

It's strange, in a way. I'm almost 40 years old. I've been married. I'm not a virgin (obviously). But now I have to act like one again. How strange will it be to have a relationship that's dependent upon who I am and not the physical stuff? All I can do is trust God, and be thankful for this amazing peace that I feel.

So Confused

Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. Anyone who listends to the word bu does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in the mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it -- he will be blessed in what he does. -- James 2:22-25.

I wrote Friday that I was ready to step off that ledge. Boy to have that courage all the time. I don't know what God's trying to tell me, and I don't trust my own judgment. I wish it were easy, but I know that God has purpose in everything, and the lessons I'm learning may not be sinking in now, but I am grateful that I know when I get through this God will have blessed me with a new wisdom about his love.

Friday afternoon, Bob asked me lunch. I went, fully prepared to tell him that it's time for us to move on. And he hit me with a curve ball that I didn't see coming. He said he was willing to do the counseling. "I don't think we need it," he told me, "But you do, so I'll do it." He even agreed to come clean and tell the counselor that we're living together.

Now what? Saturday he bumped into the counselor (they were both volunteering at a church event) and he told her we planned to start seeing her both together and separately. And she offered to reduce the rate for us, without any prompting from Bob.

I find that ironic, because one of his objections was that it was too expensive. But the counselor also told him that we had no chance at all without the counseling. And I'm not sure what she's going to say when we tell her we're living together and that our beliefs are on two different plains. She told us before that our faith could get us through anything. And I believe that.

But I also believe that faith has to be shared for it to be strong. And ours is not. He thinks it is, I don't. We don't see eye to eye on the living together thing. We don't pray together, we don't even pray at meals anymore. We don't study the bible together. And on the rare occasion when we talk about the bible, we often have opposing views.

The verse that jumped out at me today (above) -- James 2:22-25 -- breaks my heart. This has been my conviction all along. That even if you're saved by the blood of Christ, you MUST walk in God's commands or you're not truly saved. We're not walking in God's commands.

But every time I make up my mind to tell Bob to move out, something else is thrown at me making it appear as if God is telling me not to do that yet. Is it God? Or is it Satan, trying to trick me into believing it's God? I'm so bloody confused.

Stepping off the ledge

And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus. -- Philippians 4: 19

Christian counseling really helped me out last year. About this time last year I had a bit of a mental melt down. The pressures of my job combined with my not doing what God was asking of me and the shame that came from that was too much to bear. Without my Christian counselor, I don't know how I would have crawled back out of the depression that resulted.

Then, when Bob and I decided to get married, the pastor at our church requires a certain number of premarital counseling sessions before he'll agree to do the ceremony. He also requires that you be sexually pure and that you're not living together. We sure didn't apply in two of the three cases, but we went to the counseling sessions, and lied about the physical relationship and being married.

I'm not proud of it. But we did.

The counseling sessions ended earlier this week. But I still feel like we need counseling. I also feel like we need to come clean with the counselor. So, I brought it up yesterday morning. Bob said no way, too expensive.

I brought it up again last night. His insurance might pay for it. His response? "I thought we'd already decided we weren't going to go through this?" As I mentioned at the end of yesterday's post, another bulldozer. I just wanted to be sure, though. I wanted to know that he wasn't willing to put forth the effort to work things out. Nevermind the whole issue about telling the counselor that we've lied to her. That could never happen, I'm sure.

So, today I am scheduling a session with the counselor alone. I have to tell her I lied to her. The guilt of it weighs too heavy on my heart (Ephesians 4:25 "Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body.")

And if I can work up the courage to step off this ledge, tonight I'm going to tell him that I can't marry him and he has to move out.

I keep thinking of this in terms of the opening verse. If I truly believe in God, I am to step out on faith and trust that he'll catch me--that he'll provide everything I need. And I think that's where I went wrong with this relationship. I didn't trust God. I want so desperately not to be alone that I didn't give God a chance to provide the right man for me--the man he chose for me.

It reminds me of a story I heard recently about two farmers living in a drought area. Both farmers prayed daily for rain. But one farmer prayed and waited while another prayed and then worked to prepare his fields for the coming rain.

The difference is that the farmer who prayed and then set to work preparing trusted that God would provide the rain. The other, wouldn't be convinced until he saw the rain coming.

With God, it's all about stepping out on faith. He had so much faith in us, as sinful humans, that he sent his son to die for us before we changed our ways. He faithfully prepared the way for us, believing that his faith is well-placed.

Now it's my turn to have that kind of faith in him. I'm standing on the ledge. All I have to do is take one small step and believe that he'll catch me.

God's bulldozers

"The man who says, "I know him," but does not do what he commands is a liar, and the truth is not in him." -- 1John 2:4

One thing that I have learned over the past few months is that God occasionally hits you with a bulldozer. And if you don't get the message the first time around, he brings out a whole fleet and will continue hitting you with that bulldozer until you get the point.

Before I explain, let me preface it with this: I don't believe that our God is a punishing God. I believe with everything that I am that he's a god of love, patience, understanding, hope, caring, and faith. I believe he has more faith in us than we'll ever have in him.

That said, I think that God also answers prayers. And I went to him months ago in prayer asking if my man (whom we're going to call Bob) was the man he had intended for me. Bob's a great guy. He's fun and caring; he's Christian, and he's a gentle soul. He also loves my daughter as if she were his own.

But I first brought this question to God when we were newly dating and had first entered into a physical relationship. At the time, I felt as if God were pushing me to end the relationship. But then I wondered, is that just my own fear of relationships getting in the way. I did end the relationship eventually, though, only to go back to him after a short period of time.

During all of this, I've voiced my concern over having a physical relationship. Bob's response is, "I don't see how God can think this is wrong. I love you, and I can't imagine that God wouldn't want me to have a physical relationship with you."

Even writing that here seems ridiculous to me now. And I didn't agree with it at the time, but I allowed my own insecurities to get the best of me. I acquiesced, and the relationship continued. But so did the bulldozers.

Since I didn't listen to his voice, God brought some people in to help with his message. My pastor, my counselor, and several of my dear friends repeatedly told me that a physical relationship was the wrong step. I didn't listen to their advice either.

One thing led to another, and now, mostly for financial reasons, I live with the guy. But because I keep asking for clear guidance on how to handle the situation, God keeps sending out those bulldozers. The scripture quoted at the top of the page was part of a sermon that one of the pastors at my church gave on Sunday.

And I get the same thing every Sunday. One week it's 2Corinthians 4:1-2, or Galatians 5:19-25, or this morning Philippians 3 (the WHOLE chapter). I don't look these things up. This is what God is putting in front of me.

Still I struggle with the decision. So last night, in a conversation with my best friend, I shared that I'm wavering on my decision. She suggested that I ask him to continue Christian counseling with me. We had to do two sessions as a requirement for the pastor to perform our marriage ceremony (there's way more to this story, but that's for a later time). She said, if Bob would go, then maybe that was my answer.

So I asked him about it. His answer? "It's too expensive." And I guess that's another one of God's bulldozers trying to push home the answer he's already given me. Maybe this really isn't the guy God has in mind for me.

Welcome & My Story

Hi! Welcome to Virgin Again, a blog about one Christian's struggle to live as God would have her live in a sexually driven culture. Let's face it, being a virgin in these times is not a popular position. And being a divorced 30-something virgin is even harder. Not impossible, but sometimes it feels that way.

Here's a little background about me: I am a Christian. I'm 30-something. And I've been divorced--not once, but twice. The most recent divorce was after 13 years of marriage, and it happened about four years ago.

About being a Christian: I first became a Christian when I was 13. At the time, I had the strength of a new Christian and despite what people said of me, I tried to live by my beliefs. But eventually, the world came between God and I, and I spent most of two decades running from my Christian self, trying to fit in as an 'ordinary' person. About six years ago, I realized ordinary wasn't cutting it. And just after my divorce, I returned to the church. I now attend regularly.

But attending church doesn't make you a Christian. Behaving as God would have you behave is. And that's where I'm struggling now. I want desperately to be the person God wants me to be. But my life isn't what one would look at and immediately consider Christian.

I live with a guy that also claims to be Christian. He and I are engaged to be married. But we see the guidance in the bible in a very different light. Going into all of the details today would make this post far too long, so let me just say that he thinks it's okay to have sex outside of marriage if you love someone because in God's eyes you're already married. I don't. In fact, if I am honest, this verse has been on my mind for months:

"The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, siddention, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God."

So I struggle. And after months of struggling, I've finally decided that not only can I live with this guy, but I can't marry him either. What I have to do for myself and for God is to find a person who loves me, for who I am, without the sex. I have to be a virgin again. Can you reclaim your virginity? Physically, no. But spiritually, I believe you can. And I'm going to chronicle my struggles here. Join me. Share your experiences. And above all, praise God!