So Confused

Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. Anyone who listends to the word bu does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in the mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it -- he will be blessed in what he does. -- James 2:22-25.

I wrote Friday that I was ready to step off that ledge. Boy to have that courage all the time. I don't know what God's trying to tell me, and I don't trust my own judgment. I wish it were easy, but I know that God has purpose in everything, and the lessons I'm learning may not be sinking in now, but I am grateful that I know when I get through this God will have blessed me with a new wisdom about his love.

Friday afternoon, Bob asked me lunch. I went, fully prepared to tell him that it's time for us to move on. And he hit me with a curve ball that I didn't see coming. He said he was willing to do the counseling. "I don't think we need it," he told me, "But you do, so I'll do it." He even agreed to come clean and tell the counselor that we're living together.

Now what? Saturday he bumped into the counselor (they were both volunteering at a church event) and he told her we planned to start seeing her both together and separately. And she offered to reduce the rate for us, without any prompting from Bob.

I find that ironic, because one of his objections was that it was too expensive. But the counselor also told him that we had no chance at all without the counseling. And I'm not sure what she's going to say when we tell her we're living together and that our beliefs are on two different plains. She told us before that our faith could get us through anything. And I believe that.

But I also believe that faith has to be shared for it to be strong. And ours is not. He thinks it is, I don't. We don't see eye to eye on the living together thing. We don't pray together, we don't even pray at meals anymore. We don't study the bible together. And on the rare occasion when we talk about the bible, we often have opposing views.

The verse that jumped out at me today (above) -- James 2:22-25 -- breaks my heart. This has been my conviction all along. That even if you're saved by the blood of Christ, you MUST walk in God's commands or you're not truly saved. We're not walking in God's commands.

But every time I make up my mind to tell Bob to move out, something else is thrown at me making it appear as if God is telling me not to do that yet. Is it God? Or is it Satan, trying to trick me into believing it's God? I'm so bloody confused.

Stepping off the ledge

And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus. -- Philippians 4: 19

Christian counseling really helped me out last year. About this time last year I had a bit of a mental melt down. The pressures of my job combined with my not doing what God was asking of me and the shame that came from that was too much to bear. Without my Christian counselor, I don't know how I would have crawled back out of the depression that resulted.

Then, when Bob and I decided to get married, the pastor at our church requires a certain number of premarital counseling sessions before he'll agree to do the ceremony. He also requires that you be sexually pure and that you're not living together. We sure didn't apply in two of the three cases, but we went to the counseling sessions, and lied about the physical relationship and being married.

I'm not proud of it. But we did.

The counseling sessions ended earlier this week. But I still feel like we need counseling. I also feel like we need to come clean with the counselor. So, I brought it up yesterday morning. Bob said no way, too expensive.

I brought it up again last night. His insurance might pay for it. His response? "I thought we'd already decided we weren't going to go through this?" As I mentioned at the end of yesterday's post, another bulldozer. I just wanted to be sure, though. I wanted to know that he wasn't willing to put forth the effort to work things out. Nevermind the whole issue about telling the counselor that we've lied to her. That could never happen, I'm sure.

So, today I am scheduling a session with the counselor alone. I have to tell her I lied to her. The guilt of it weighs too heavy on my heart (Ephesians 4:25 "Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body.")

And if I can work up the courage to step off this ledge, tonight I'm going to tell him that I can't marry him and he has to move out.

I keep thinking of this in terms of the opening verse. If I truly believe in God, I am to step out on faith and trust that he'll catch me--that he'll provide everything I need. And I think that's where I went wrong with this relationship. I didn't trust God. I want so desperately not to be alone that I didn't give God a chance to provide the right man for me--the man he chose for me.

It reminds me of a story I heard recently about two farmers living in a drought area. Both farmers prayed daily for rain. But one farmer prayed and waited while another prayed and then worked to prepare his fields for the coming rain.

The difference is that the farmer who prayed and then set to work preparing trusted that God would provide the rain. The other, wouldn't be convinced until he saw the rain coming.

With God, it's all about stepping out on faith. He had so much faith in us, as sinful humans, that he sent his son to die for us before we changed our ways. He faithfully prepared the way for us, believing that his faith is well-placed.

Now it's my turn to have that kind of faith in him. I'm standing on the ledge. All I have to do is take one small step and believe that he'll catch me.

God's bulldozers

"The man who says, "I know him," but does not do what he commands is a liar, and the truth is not in him." -- 1John 2:4

One thing that I have learned over the past few months is that God occasionally hits you with a bulldozer. And if you don't get the message the first time around, he brings out a whole fleet and will continue hitting you with that bulldozer until you get the point.

Before I explain, let me preface it with this: I don't believe that our God is a punishing God. I believe with everything that I am that he's a god of love, patience, understanding, hope, caring, and faith. I believe he has more faith in us than we'll ever have in him.

That said, I think that God also answers prayers. And I went to him months ago in prayer asking if my man (whom we're going to call Bob) was the man he had intended for me. Bob's a great guy. He's fun and caring; he's Christian, and he's a gentle soul. He also loves my daughter as if she were his own.

But I first brought this question to God when we were newly dating and had first entered into a physical relationship. At the time, I felt as if God were pushing me to end the relationship. But then I wondered, is that just my own fear of relationships getting in the way. I did end the relationship eventually, though, only to go back to him after a short period of time.

During all of this, I've voiced my concern over having a physical relationship. Bob's response is, "I don't see how God can think this is wrong. I love you, and I can't imagine that God wouldn't want me to have a physical relationship with you."

Even writing that here seems ridiculous to me now. And I didn't agree with it at the time, but I allowed my own insecurities to get the best of me. I acquiesced, and the relationship continued. But so did the bulldozers.

Since I didn't listen to his voice, God brought some people in to help with his message. My pastor, my counselor, and several of my dear friends repeatedly told me that a physical relationship was the wrong step. I didn't listen to their advice either.

One thing led to another, and now, mostly for financial reasons, I live with the guy. But because I keep asking for clear guidance on how to handle the situation, God keeps sending out those bulldozers. The scripture quoted at the top of the page was part of a sermon that one of the pastors at my church gave on Sunday.

And I get the same thing every Sunday. One week it's 2Corinthians 4:1-2, or Galatians 5:19-25, or this morning Philippians 3 (the WHOLE chapter). I don't look these things up. This is what God is putting in front of me.

Still I struggle with the decision. So last night, in a conversation with my best friend, I shared that I'm wavering on my decision. She suggested that I ask him to continue Christian counseling with me. We had to do two sessions as a requirement for the pastor to perform our marriage ceremony (there's way more to this story, but that's for a later time). She said, if Bob would go, then maybe that was my answer.

So I asked him about it. His answer? "It's too expensive." And I guess that's another one of God's bulldozers trying to push home the answer he's already given me. Maybe this really isn't the guy God has in mind for me.