Waiting for God

"They say, 'Let God hurry; let Him do His work soon so we may see it. Let the plan of the Holy One of Israel happen soon so that we will know what it is.'" -- Isaiah 5:19

I'm impatient. I never thoughts I was until I came to know God. Now I see the truth. I ask God for something, and I want his response right now. It's something that a lot of people struggle with.

Lately, my biggest struggle has been for God to answer me about relationships. I pray daily that God will open a path for Bob and I to reconcile and work out our differences, but if that's not God's will, then I pray that he'll bring someone else into my life. It's been a month, neither has happened. And I find myself very impatient. I *want* a relationship. I really *want* my relationship with Bob to be repaired, because I think that with the right counseling we can be an amazingly strong Christian couple.

But what does God want for me? Right now, I don't know.

This morning's verse came to me in an email devotional., The writer explained her own struggle with this very topic. And I can surely relate. I want to see God's blessing right this instant so that I know that he's there and he's working for me. How selfish can you get?

It takes only a small look around to see God working. On a prayer list, I have seen healings, and blessings, and forgiveness -- all of which are miracles that wouldn't be possible without God. In my own life, I've had healing for a slight injury that was causing me a lot of pain. I'm blessed daily with yet another day to live, to spread God's word, and to show others how wonderful a life in Christ can be. And still my selfish nature demands that I have an answer from God, right now!

So today, and for the days going forward, I'm going to remember that I'm not the only person in God's care. And instead of caring so much about me, I'm going to lay my life at his feet and I'm going to see how I can help him do HIS work. God will take care of me. And he'll use me to take care of someone else. But I have to be willing to let it happen. I am.

“For in the gospel a righteousness from God is revealed, a righteousness that is by faith from first to last, just as it is written: "The righteous will live by faith" -- Romans 1:17

Living by faith is probably the most difficult part of my relationship with Jesus Christ. Like a spoiled child, I all too often think, "But Jesus, I don't want to do things that way. It's much easier my way." Is it really easier, though?

On the surface, it seems to be. If I had just continued in my relationship with Bob; if I had not broken things off with him, we would still be together. And we might even be working things out. But you know what, something has always told me it would be very hard in the long run.

Now, I'm going to step out on a bit of a limb here and tell you that God told me, early on in the relationship that if Bob and I had sex, the relationship would end badly. It did. That was the first time we broke up.

Then, we got back together. And I asked God to show me what the right thing was. But I pushed it because I wanted Bob back in my life so desperately. It started out okay, but one thing led to another and eventually, the sexual aspect of the relationship returned. But God didn't speak to me that time. Not until I asked him for his guidance.

Before I split with Bob this last time, I prayed ceaselessly for weeks. And at every turn the answer that I got from God was you have to end the relationship. I didn't want to. Because I knew that it would be a permanent end. I just wanted things to be right.

So, I held on. And I tried to make things right. And I prayed. And the same words repeated in my head daily for weeks, until despite the advice of some pretty solid people who were sure we would work through the sexual issues and other issues with counseling, I ended the relationship.

Ever ripped your own heart out and stomped it to mush? That's what ending that relationship felt like. And I questioned God, "Why is this necessary?" And the only response I got was, "Trust me." So I'm trying desperately to trust him.

And now, nearly a month after the breakup, I'm trying to live the life that God wants from me. I'm not enjoying every aspect of it, but daily I grow closer to my God. And I don't know now if he will bring Bob back into my life. Circumstances don't point one way or the other. But I do know that whatever God has in store for me is exactly what I need. And the only way that I'll ever have that is to live by His word and strive to be righteous by his standards.

Am I going to screw up? You betcha! I'm a mere human. But I'm going to keep trying and keep trying. And I'm going to remain focused on God and let Him be the director of my life, because that's what He tells me to do. Live by faith. I want to be faithful.

Holding on to the hope

“Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.” --Hebrews 10:23

It's been a few days since I posted last, not because I don't have anything to say, but because I'm completely buried under deadlines. I've got both a major deadline (for a book) and a minor deadline (for a report) on the same day next week. It's enough to make you dig in your heels and get to work!

I'm working on other things right now, but this struggle is still right there at the front of my mind all the time. I've already experienced some of the fire that I know that I must walk through to become the person God wants me to be for whomever he decides is the right mate for me.

I started talking to two different people this week. Both seemed like really nice guys. One is very educated and has a pretty important job. The other is less educated, but with a cool job. Both seemed like fun--in very different ways--people to be around. Until I mentioned that I'm a very devoted Christian. And then both guys fell right off the face of the earth. Hmmm. Wonder what they were after?

At first, I was disheartened by the whole situation. But then Hebrews 10:23 was delivered to me through an acquaintance. Isn't it cool how God gets his message to you when you need it the most? I love this verse because it talks about HOPE. And it reminds us that God keeps his promises.

When I read this verse, it renews my hope that someday I'll have that perfect person in my life. And when I have hope for the future, then I can muster the courage to go through everyday alone. And since I know that God keeps his promises, I know that this struggle is not to be without reward. He promised me eternal life. He didn't promise life on this earth would be easy.

Maybe it will turn out that I do spend the rest of my life alone. I won't ever be completely comfortable with this earthly life is this is how God plans to play it out. But I can be truly happy, even alone. Because God promises that I'll have eternal life. How can you ever stay depressed for too long knowing that?

So today, I sing God's praises. He's a loving and faithful God, and while I don't have everything I want, I do have everything I need and I know that one day I'll sit at his feet and hear the soothing timbre of his voice. And that's enough.