Stepping off the ledge

And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus. -- Philippians 4: 19

Christian counseling really helped me out last year. About this time last year I had a bit of a mental melt down. The pressures of my job combined with my not doing what God was asking of me and the shame that came from that was too much to bear. Without my Christian counselor, I don't know how I would have crawled back out of the depression that resulted.

Then, when Bob and I decided to get married, the pastor at our church requires a certain number of premarital counseling sessions before he'll agree to do the ceremony. He also requires that you be sexually pure and that you're not living together. We sure didn't apply in two of the three cases, but we went to the counseling sessions, and lied about the physical relationship and being married.

I'm not proud of it. But we did.

The counseling sessions ended earlier this week. But I still feel like we need counseling. I also feel like we need to come clean with the counselor. So, I brought it up yesterday morning. Bob said no way, too expensive.

I brought it up again last night. His insurance might pay for it. His response? "I thought we'd already decided we weren't going to go through this?" As I mentioned at the end of yesterday's post, another bulldozer. I just wanted to be sure, though. I wanted to know that he wasn't willing to put forth the effort to work things out. Nevermind the whole issue about telling the counselor that we've lied to her. That could never happen, I'm sure.

So, today I am scheduling a session with the counselor alone. I have to tell her I lied to her. The guilt of it weighs too heavy on my heart (Ephesians 4:25 "Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body.")

And if I can work up the courage to step off this ledge, tonight I'm going to tell him that I can't marry him and he has to move out.

I keep thinking of this in terms of the opening verse. If I truly believe in God, I am to step out on faith and trust that he'll catch me--that he'll provide everything I need. And I think that's where I went wrong with this relationship. I didn't trust God. I want so desperately not to be alone that I didn't give God a chance to provide the right man for me--the man he chose for me.

It reminds me of a story I heard recently about two farmers living in a drought area. Both farmers prayed daily for rain. But one farmer prayed and waited while another prayed and then worked to prepare his fields for the coming rain.

The difference is that the farmer who prayed and then set to work preparing trusted that God would provide the rain. The other, wouldn't be convinced until he saw the rain coming.

With God, it's all about stepping out on faith. He had so much faith in us, as sinful humans, that he sent his son to die for us before we changed our ways. He faithfully prepared the way for us, believing that his faith is well-placed.

Now it's my turn to have that kind of faith in him. I'm standing on the ledge. All I have to do is take one small step and believe that he'll catch me.

God's bulldozers

"The man who says, "I know him," but does not do what he commands is a liar, and the truth is not in him." -- 1John 2:4

One thing that I have learned over the past few months is that God occasionally hits you with a bulldozer. And if you don't get the message the first time around, he brings out a whole fleet and will continue hitting you with that bulldozer until you get the point.

Before I explain, let me preface it with this: I don't believe that our God is a punishing God. I believe with everything that I am that he's a god of love, patience, understanding, hope, caring, and faith. I believe he has more faith in us than we'll ever have in him.

That said, I think that God also answers prayers. And I went to him months ago in prayer asking if my man (whom we're going to call Bob) was the man he had intended for me. Bob's a great guy. He's fun and caring; he's Christian, and he's a gentle soul. He also loves my daughter as if she were his own.

But I first brought this question to God when we were newly dating and had first entered into a physical relationship. At the time, I felt as if God were pushing me to end the relationship. But then I wondered, is that just my own fear of relationships getting in the way. I did end the relationship eventually, though, only to go back to him after a short period of time.

During all of this, I've voiced my concern over having a physical relationship. Bob's response is, "I don't see how God can think this is wrong. I love you, and I can't imagine that God wouldn't want me to have a physical relationship with you."

Even writing that here seems ridiculous to me now. And I didn't agree with it at the time, but I allowed my own insecurities to get the best of me. I acquiesced, and the relationship continued. But so did the bulldozers.

Since I didn't listen to his voice, God brought some people in to help with his message. My pastor, my counselor, and several of my dear friends repeatedly told me that a physical relationship was the wrong step. I didn't listen to their advice either.

One thing led to another, and now, mostly for financial reasons, I live with the guy. But because I keep asking for clear guidance on how to handle the situation, God keeps sending out those bulldozers. The scripture quoted at the top of the page was part of a sermon that one of the pastors at my church gave on Sunday.

And I get the same thing every Sunday. One week it's 2Corinthians 4:1-2, or Galatians 5:19-25, or this morning Philippians 3 (the WHOLE chapter). I don't look these things up. This is what God is putting in front of me.

Still I struggle with the decision. So last night, in a conversation with my best friend, I shared that I'm wavering on my decision. She suggested that I ask him to continue Christian counseling with me. We had to do two sessions as a requirement for the pastor to perform our marriage ceremony (there's way more to this story, but that's for a later time). She said, if Bob would go, then maybe that was my answer.

So I asked him about it. His answer? "It's too expensive." And I guess that's another one of God's bulldozers trying to push home the answer he's already given me. Maybe this really isn't the guy God has in mind for me.

Welcome & My Story

Hi! Welcome to Virgin Again, a blog about one Christian's struggle to live as God would have her live in a sexually driven culture. Let's face it, being a virgin in these times is not a popular position. And being a divorced 30-something virgin is even harder. Not impossible, but sometimes it feels that way.

Here's a little background about me: I am a Christian. I'm 30-something. And I've been divorced--not once, but twice. The most recent divorce was after 13 years of marriage, and it happened about four years ago.

About being a Christian: I first became a Christian when I was 13. At the time, I had the strength of a new Christian and despite what people said of me, I tried to live by my beliefs. But eventually, the world came between God and I, and I spent most of two decades running from my Christian self, trying to fit in as an 'ordinary' person. About six years ago, I realized ordinary wasn't cutting it. And just after my divorce, I returned to the church. I now attend regularly.

But attending church doesn't make you a Christian. Behaving as God would have you behave is. And that's where I'm struggling now. I want desperately to be the person God wants me to be. But my life isn't what one would look at and immediately consider Christian.

I live with a guy that also claims to be Christian. He and I are engaged to be married. But we see the guidance in the bible in a very different light. Going into all of the details today would make this post far too long, so let me just say that he thinks it's okay to have sex outside of marriage if you love someone because in God's eyes you're already married. I don't. In fact, if I am honest, this verse has been on my mind for months:

"The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, siddention, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God."

So I struggle. And after months of struggling, I've finally decided that not only can I live with this guy, but I can't marry him either. What I have to do for myself and for God is to find a person who loves me, for who I am, without the sex. I have to be a virgin again. Can you reclaim your virginity? Physically, no. But spiritually, I believe you can. And I'm going to chronicle my struggles here. Join me. Share your experiences. And above all, praise God!