Catching Up

It's been a week since I posted anything. I'm sorry if I left you hanging. A dear friend of mine passed away on Friday and I've been helping the family as much as I can. As of today, it seems that life is returning to as normal as is possible under the circumstances. So, I'm trying to get back into my own swing of things.

A reader ("K") suggested that I read the story of Potiphar's Wife in Gensis 39. Oddly enough, I was studying that same passage of scripture this week, as a separate suggestion from a study that Rachel Olsen is conducting of the women of the bible. What a story!

It absolutely illustrates what happens when you make the decision to live in a way that makes God happy. Here's the quick version:

The story is of Joseph, who, as a slave, has impressed his Egyptian master. So the Egyptian master, Potiphar, gives Joseph control over his household and everything in it except his wife.

But Potiphar's wife wants Joseph, so she tries to seduce him. Joseph refuses saying,

"With me in charge," he told her, "my master does not concern himself with anything in the house; everything he owns he has entrusted to my care. No one is greater in this house than I am. My master has withheld nothing from me except you, because you are his wife. How then could I do such a wicked thing and sin against God?" And though she spoke to Joseph day after day, he refused to go to bed with her or even be with her. -- Genesis 39:8-10

But the very fact that Joseph would not go to bed with her was enough to make Potiphar's wife want Joseph even more. So she devised a plan to catch him alone and try again to seduce him. But when she did, Joseph refused, pulling away from her. When he did, she held to his cloak so that he had to shed it to get away. And that's when things went very wrong!

Potiphar's wife screamed "Rape," and accused Jacob of trying to rape her. Believing her, Potiphar had Jacob sent to prison.

How true is that story about the trials that we'll face as we're doing our best to live by the guidelines that God set for for us? The thing is, Satan hates it when he loses a sole to God. So, when it seems that you're choosing God, and you're making the efforts necessary to get close to God, Satan is going to pull out all of the stops, including seeing your persecuted for something that you have not done.

If you think it's easy doing God's will, think again. It's far easier to be complacent and allow Satan to rule in your life. When you choose to do God's will, you life will get hard. Probably harder than you've ever know.

I have a friend who decided after a time to be sexually pure. She had slept with men before, but God laid it on her heart that she should not sleep with another man until she was married, and she listened to him. But the two years following that decision were some of the hardest years she'd ever faced. Men that she went out with were flat out mean to her because she wasn't a "virgin" but she refused to go to bed with them.

That's what happens. When you choose to do God's will, you get attacked. The situation with my ex-husband was a blatant attack, I believe ordained by Satan. I won that time. And all I can do from this point forward is pray that God will give me the strength to win in each attack that I have to face in the future.

For me, it's doubly hard, because I need physical touch to feel loved. It's one of my love languages. I hate being alone. And I'm faced with spending the foreseeable future alone. And I won't have someone to snuggle with, even when I do find a new date. I'm committed to my decision to return to spiritual virginity. But I also know it's not going to be easy. I'm prepared. But only with God's help will I make it through this.

So Confused

Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. Anyone who listends to the word bu does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in the mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it -- he will be blessed in what he does. -- James 2:22-25.

I wrote Friday that I was ready to step off that ledge. Boy to have that courage all the time. I don't know what God's trying to tell me, and I don't trust my own judgment. I wish it were easy, but I know that God has purpose in everything, and the lessons I'm learning may not be sinking in now, but I am grateful that I know when I get through this God will have blessed me with a new wisdom about his love.

Friday afternoon, Bob asked me lunch. I went, fully prepared to tell him that it's time for us to move on. And he hit me with a curve ball that I didn't see coming. He said he was willing to do the counseling. "I don't think we need it," he told me, "But you do, so I'll do it." He even agreed to come clean and tell the counselor that we're living together.

Now what? Saturday he bumped into the counselor (they were both volunteering at a church event) and he told her we planned to start seeing her both together and separately. And she offered to reduce the rate for us, without any prompting from Bob.

I find that ironic, because one of his objections was that it was too expensive. But the counselor also told him that we had no chance at all without the counseling. And I'm not sure what she's going to say when we tell her we're living together and that our beliefs are on two different plains. She told us before that our faith could get us through anything. And I believe that.

But I also believe that faith has to be shared for it to be strong. And ours is not. He thinks it is, I don't. We don't see eye to eye on the living together thing. We don't pray together, we don't even pray at meals anymore. We don't study the bible together. And on the rare occasion when we talk about the bible, we often have opposing views.

The verse that jumped out at me today (above) -- James 2:22-25 -- breaks my heart. This has been my conviction all along. That even if you're saved by the blood of Christ, you MUST walk in God's commands or you're not truly saved. We're not walking in God's commands.

But every time I make up my mind to tell Bob to move out, something else is thrown at me making it appear as if God is telling me not to do that yet. Is it God? Or is it Satan, trying to trick me into believing it's God? I'm so bloody confused.