Stepping off the ledge

And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus. -- Philippians 4: 19

Christian counseling really helped me out last year. About this time last year I had a bit of a mental melt down. The pressures of my job combined with my not doing what God was asking of me and the shame that came from that was too much to bear. Without my Christian counselor, I don't know how I would have crawled back out of the depression that resulted.

Then, when Bob and I decided to get married, the pastor at our church requires a certain number of premarital counseling sessions before he'll agree to do the ceremony. He also requires that you be sexually pure and that you're not living together. We sure didn't apply in two of the three cases, but we went to the counseling sessions, and lied about the physical relationship and being married.

I'm not proud of it. But we did.

The counseling sessions ended earlier this week. But I still feel like we need counseling. I also feel like we need to come clean with the counselor. So, I brought it up yesterday morning. Bob said no way, too expensive.

I brought it up again last night. His insurance might pay for it. His response? "I thought we'd already decided we weren't going to go through this?" As I mentioned at the end of yesterday's post, another bulldozer. I just wanted to be sure, though. I wanted to know that he wasn't willing to put forth the effort to work things out. Nevermind the whole issue about telling the counselor that we've lied to her. That could never happen, I'm sure.

So, today I am scheduling a session with the counselor alone. I have to tell her I lied to her. The guilt of it weighs too heavy on my heart (Ephesians 4:25 "Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body.")

And if I can work up the courage to step off this ledge, tonight I'm going to tell him that I can't marry him and he has to move out.

I keep thinking of this in terms of the opening verse. If I truly believe in God, I am to step out on faith and trust that he'll catch me--that he'll provide everything I need. And I think that's where I went wrong with this relationship. I didn't trust God. I want so desperately not to be alone that I didn't give God a chance to provide the right man for me--the man he chose for me.

It reminds me of a story I heard recently about two farmers living in a drought area. Both farmers prayed daily for rain. But one farmer prayed and waited while another prayed and then worked to prepare his fields for the coming rain.

The difference is that the farmer who prayed and then set to work preparing trusted that God would provide the rain. The other, wouldn't be convinced until he saw the rain coming.

With God, it's all about stepping out on faith. He had so much faith in us, as sinful humans, that he sent his son to die for us before we changed our ways. He faithfully prepared the way for us, believing that his faith is well-placed.

Now it's my turn to have that kind of faith in him. I'm standing on the ledge. All I have to do is take one small step and believe that he'll catch me.