Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. Anyone who listends to the word bu does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in the mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it -- he will be blessed in what he does. -- James 2:22-25.
I wrote Friday that I was ready to step off that ledge. Boy to have that courage all the time. I don't know what God's trying to tell me, and I don't trust my own judgment. I wish it were easy, but I know that God has purpose in everything, and the lessons I'm learning may not be sinking in now, but I am grateful that I know when I get through this God will have blessed me with a new wisdom about his love.
Friday afternoon, Bob asked me lunch. I went, fully prepared to tell him that it's time for us to move on. And he hit me with a curve ball that I didn't see coming. He said he was willing to do the counseling. "I don't think we need it," he told me, "But you do, so I'll do it." He even agreed to come clean and tell the counselor that we're living together.
Now what? Saturday he bumped into the counselor (they were both volunteering at a church event) and he told her we planned to start seeing her both together and separately. And she offered to reduce the rate for us, without any prompting from Bob.
I find that ironic, because one of his objections was that it was too expensive. But the counselor also told him that we had no chance at all without the counseling. And I'm not sure what she's going to say when we tell her we're living together and that our beliefs are on two different plains. She told us before that our faith could get us through anything. And I believe that.
But I also believe that faith has to be shared for it to be strong. And ours is not. He thinks it is, I don't. We don't see eye to eye on the living together thing. We don't pray together, we don't even pray at meals anymore. We don't study the bible together. And on the rare occasion when we talk about the bible, we often have opposing views.
The verse that jumped out at me today (above) -- James 2:22-25 -- breaks my heart. This has been my conviction all along. That even if you're saved by the blood of Christ, you MUST walk in God's commands or you're not truly saved. We're not walking in God's commands.
But every time I make up my mind to tell Bob to move out, something else is thrown at me making it appear as if God is telling me not to do that yet. Is it God? Or is it Satan, trying to trick me into believing it's God? I'm so bloody confused.
3 comments:
Cool site! This was a good reading in this post. Thanks for stopping by!
I found u via the P31 blog for reading through the women of the bible. Your story sends shivers up my spine. I too am a 30 something-working on divorce # 2 and feeling an AWSOME call to abstinance and modesty and femininity. Our immediate circumstances are different but I'm sure we can help and support one another here. A little background for you...was not raised knowing God or purity..abused as a young lady which led to a very sexually focused lifestyle. Met my 1st hubby at 15 and had our first child at 16. We lived together for 7 years and had 2 beautiful little girls before we got married..separaed 18 mos later. Hurried up and met hubby #2. Again first child came in that first year. He was everything dh 1 was not. He said all the right things and proclaimed to be mr. christian family man. Again 2 children later and about 5 years..we married..last summer some things came to light concerning some unspeakable acts and I decided to end our relationship. This post in particular got me in that when we make up our mind to say "no" what we think would be our "go ahead" hits us head on. I had thought before confronting him that if he woould admit his sins and seek counseling and such that maybe our marriage would be saved. But I can't live with a man who has done what he's done. The mother in me cannot do it. But still, part of me feels almost like I made a bit of a deal with God..like if he does this and this then I will at least TRY. And by not doing so I am breaking my "deal" with God. But I KNOW God is calling me to modesty and purity right now. And it is so hard to get people to hear and understand and accept "no". I do not want a sexual relationship. I work in a mostly male environment. And everyday I am repeatedly hit on and bombarded with the little comments. They just don't get it. It seems that is all I am...an object of sexual desire...a conquer.
One last word before I go...you mentioned something about if we think we are saved but do not follow the "LAW" that we really are not saved...I can see that in that scripture after re-reading it...but still we cannot ignore the fact that salvation is a gift of love and grace...not something earned by works. I certainly don't believe salvation gives us free reign to a cycle of sin/repentance...we should strive to become more christ-like in our mind, mouth, and body...but remember that there is/was only one perfect being. and it is through His love and grace that we receive God's mercy--salvation.
oh...we lied to our pastor too. We were "church shopping" when we first moved here and it was just easier to put the ______ family or mr/mrs______on all those newbie cards...but it came out when we went to see him about divorce...(thats for another time though..)
Findingme--
It's so hard to know what the right or wrong thing to do is when you're a Christian looking at the end of a marriage. I haven't posted before now due to having some visitors at my house, but I want you to know that you've been on my mind and I've been praying for you.
And I do agree with your comment about our works not getting us into heaven. I believe that the only thing that will get you into heaven is a complete and total belief and trust in Jesus. But I also think that your actions while you're on earth will serve to prove whether you really believed with your heart or just with your mouth.
I hope that by my life, my trust in Jesus will be evident to all who see me. I hope.
His~
Jae
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