God's bulldozers

"The man who says, "I know him," but does not do what he commands is a liar, and the truth is not in him." -- 1John 2:4

One thing that I have learned over the past few months is that God occasionally hits you with a bulldozer. And if you don't get the message the first time around, he brings out a whole fleet and will continue hitting you with that bulldozer until you get the point.

Before I explain, let me preface it with this: I don't believe that our God is a punishing God. I believe with everything that I am that he's a god of love, patience, understanding, hope, caring, and faith. I believe he has more faith in us than we'll ever have in him.

That said, I think that God also answers prayers. And I went to him months ago in prayer asking if my man (whom we're going to call Bob) was the man he had intended for me. Bob's a great guy. He's fun and caring; he's Christian, and he's a gentle soul. He also loves my daughter as if she were his own.

But I first brought this question to God when we were newly dating and had first entered into a physical relationship. At the time, I felt as if God were pushing me to end the relationship. But then I wondered, is that just my own fear of relationships getting in the way. I did end the relationship eventually, though, only to go back to him after a short period of time.

During all of this, I've voiced my concern over having a physical relationship. Bob's response is, "I don't see how God can think this is wrong. I love you, and I can't imagine that God wouldn't want me to have a physical relationship with you."

Even writing that here seems ridiculous to me now. And I didn't agree with it at the time, but I allowed my own insecurities to get the best of me. I acquiesced, and the relationship continued. But so did the bulldozers.

Since I didn't listen to his voice, God brought some people in to help with his message. My pastor, my counselor, and several of my dear friends repeatedly told me that a physical relationship was the wrong step. I didn't listen to their advice either.

One thing led to another, and now, mostly for financial reasons, I live with the guy. But because I keep asking for clear guidance on how to handle the situation, God keeps sending out those bulldozers. The scripture quoted at the top of the page was part of a sermon that one of the pastors at my church gave on Sunday.

And I get the same thing every Sunday. One week it's 2Corinthians 4:1-2, or Galatians 5:19-25, or this morning Philippians 3 (the WHOLE chapter). I don't look these things up. This is what God is putting in front of me.

Still I struggle with the decision. So last night, in a conversation with my best friend, I shared that I'm wavering on my decision. She suggested that I ask him to continue Christian counseling with me. We had to do two sessions as a requirement for the pastor to perform our marriage ceremony (there's way more to this story, but that's for a later time). She said, if Bob would go, then maybe that was my answer.

So I asked him about it. His answer? "It's too expensive." And I guess that's another one of God's bulldozers trying to push home the answer he's already given me. Maybe this really isn't the guy God has in mind for me.