The peace of complete trust

Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not you heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid. John 14:27

I did it. After praying for weeks and wishing I wasn't hearing what God was saying, I did it. I asked Bob to move out and told him we can't get married. That happened on Friday. It's been a little nuts since then.

Friday night my best friend took me out. We went and played at a casino for a while and then spent the night there. Saturday I hung out at my parents house, a couple of hours away. But I came home Saturday night. By the time I got here, he was all moved out.

I'm very sad. I love him a lot. And my preference would have been to marry him. And I think that any of the issues that we had could have been worked through. Except the spiritual one. Not seeing eye to eye on the guidelines laid out in the Bible makes it difficult to come together on everything else.

So oddly enough, even though I'm very sad, I have a peace like I haven't known in a long time. I know that I'm going to be lonely. I already miss him terribly. And I know that it's going to be difficult to be a single mom, working from home. Making ends meet means spending a lot more time working than I had to while he was here. And that while still managing a tweenager with a life. But I am not anxious or worried over it.

If you knew me, you'd know that's a huge statement. I always worry. Over everything. I worried myself into a nervous breakdown last Spring. But this time, I'm at peace. I know that God is with me. I know that he'll provide for me. And I know that even if no one else in the world loves me, God does. That's such an amazing feeling for me. Isn't God the most wondrous God?

So now, the real journey beings. While in my heart I hope that God intends for Bob and I to be together, I don't really think that's going to happen. So, I'm going to have to start dating again. Except this time around, dating will be very different than anything I've ever done before. This time, dating is about DATING--and about finding the RIGHT person to spend the rest of my life with--and not about physical relationships.

I wonder how it's going to go? I wonder how guys will react when I tell them there is no physical relationship until after marriage? I wonder how difficult it will be to find a Christian guy that understands my need to put God first in my life...even before my daughter?

It's strange, in a way. I'm almost 40 years old. I've been married. I'm not a virgin (obviously). But now I have to act like one again. How strange will it be to have a relationship that's dependent upon who I am and not the physical stuff? All I can do is trust God, and be thankful for this amazing peace that I feel.